All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
