I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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