Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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