I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
