haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
