Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The feeling are messing with the penis
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My breath smells like gin and sadness
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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