I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
