Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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