Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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