No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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