So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize