So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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