It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
