Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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