It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
