I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
