So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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