If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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