ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
