I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
