I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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