sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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