ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
