That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize