so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
