Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
