If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How naked do you want me to be?
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