I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
