If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
