I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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