in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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