So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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