Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
