my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
