I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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