Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dignity is for republicans.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize