It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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