It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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