awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
