i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
