Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
