how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My penis needs a shock collar
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
