Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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