why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
