If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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