You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
