I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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