If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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