quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
