i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
