True but thats because hes a fetus.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
