Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
