awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
