i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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