Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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