My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
