I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am one with the molecules
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
