did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
