the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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