Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
