I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
