Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
